Kurt's Adventures in Fairyland
by Alice Rozen
Summary: AU.Kurt is a fairytale prince.He's been thrown out by his step mother, and met his fairy godfather.CRACK, parody on many fairy tales and a lot of insulting nicknames for Kurt.


This story was written during classes with my friend, so it's crazy:)

Warnings:language, parody, and a lot of crack.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.

* * *

Once upon a time in a magical kingdom far far away, there was a king. The queen had died long ago, leaving him with their only son, Kurt. The king loved his son very much, but there was a small problem…he was lonely. Therefore king Burt decided to marry a nice woman from the near village, and she moved to the magical castle with her son Finn. The prince has heard about his new step mother from his friends, the woodland creatures, and he was frightened. Mr. Fuzzyboots the rabbit warned him- "she has a son of her own. She might want you to be gone, so her son would be the heir". Scared and worried the young prince packed his Prada bags and escaped to the forest.

The night fell on the forest and Prince Kurt didn't know what to do. He was scared and lonely, so he did what have always made him feel better- he sang. All the creatures of the forest loved his singing and they joined him in song. Suddenly a small voice near the prince said "would you shut the fuck up already?" Kurt stopped singing. He looked for the source of the voice.

"Who is it?" he asked. Then a "POP!" was heard and a boy with a Mohawk and wings appeared.

"My name is Puck. I am your fairy godfather and this is my magical Mohawk." He said in a bored tone.

"If you're a fairy god_father_, why are you wearing a dress?"

"It's a job requirement, ok? It comes with the wand." He examined Kurt. "Anyway, it seems to me like you're the fairy." He added quietly.

"What?"

"Nothing, you have three wishes or something."

"Isn't that for genies?"

"I don't know, I'm totally hammered, I don't care."

"I thought you weren't supposed to drink and fly."

"What are you? The fairy police? Just tell me your stupid wish, faggot."

"Hey!" Kurt pouted, "That's not very nice."

"I don't have to be nice, they pay me anyway."

"So you don't have to be nice, but you have to wear a dress?"

"Go figure."

"Fine, my first wish is…world peace." His eyes sparkled.

"Do you really think that if I could do that I'd be wearing this stupid dress?"

"Not to mention the Mohawk."

"That's not a job requirement."

"Oh."

"How 'bout some shoes or something? Isn't that what you homos like?"

"Hey! Again!" Kurt sat down and crossed his legs. That sent Puck into a fit of laughter.

"So what should I do?"

"Buy me a burger."

"Can't you be serious for a second?"

"Fine, go back to the castle."

"What? Why?"

"Because if you won't, they'll give Finn the kingdom! Do you really want video games as a national sport?"

"Actually, that sounds pretty good. You don't sweat when you play video games…"

"Whatever! Just go back because if I have to listen to your stupid whining any more I'll light my Mohawk on fire just so I won't have to suffer!"

"But wait! What if I need your help?"

"Just tap your heels three times."

"Really?"

"NO, you moron! Just put out a steak and trust me, I'll come."

"How about caviar?"

"How about I punch you in the head?"

"OK, OK, you don't have to be so mean."

"I wanna see you being sweet when you're getting ten bucks a week to wear a stupid dress and grant wishes for tiny fruit-cakes."

"Whatever! Even dealing with another prince is better than being stuck here with you!" Kurt yelled at the fairy.

"Whatever does that to you." Puck smirked, and disappeared with a "poof!"

* * *

Kurt started skipping and singing his way home. When he entered the garden he saw a handsome man. He felt his heart warm and he could swear he heard a choir of angles singing. Then a couple of men lifted him and pulled him towards the gates.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"The queen ordered us." Said Matt.

"But I live here! Hey, don't touch it, it's Marc Jacobs!"

"I thought you said he was the **prince**." Mike said.

"He is, he's just trying to play evil mind tricks on us."

"Oh…"

"Wait!" Kurt screamed, "Don't I get a last request?"

"Isn't that for dying people?"

"Please!" Kurt begged.

"OK, I guess…what do you want?"

"A steak." Everyone stopped and stared at him.

"Ok…get the queer…I mean queen…I mean ex-prince a steak!" matt shouted. After a few minutes a steak arrived and Kurt was thrown out. So now he was standing alone in the middle of the forest, with a steak.

* * *

Meanwhile, In the castle's throne room the new queen was sitting on her..well..throne.

"I'm bored, fetch me the jester." And Rachel walked in the room.

"I just want you to know, I don't approve of any of this. This is demeaning, it's beneath me, and not to mention it's a violation of child labor laws. I'm going to contact my lawyer!"

"What's happening to Jewish comedians these days?" Carole sighed.

"That's racism! My dads are gay you know, and they have a lot of connections…"

"**Off with her head!**"

Finn, who was watching the whole thing, stapped in.

"Come on mom, you can't do that. Let the jester go." He turned to Rachel and said, "And you might consider a new career, because I really didn't get those jokes."

"That's because I wasn't joking."

"Oh…in that case, I guess you did better than I thought!" Finn smiled. Rachel walked out murmuring.

"And I'm the jester…"

* * *

Kurt sat on a rock and waited. Puck still hasn't showed up. Kurt sighed and looked at the sky. The sun was rising and he was getting less and less patient. The steak looked great, but he would rather die than eat all this fat.

"Oh, hey gay kid, how're you doing?" puck showed up with a loud "pop". Kurt stared at him.

"I see you steak my got…I mean got my steak…which is good because I've got a bad case of the munchies."

"Now you're doing drugs? What kind of a godfather are you?"

"**The straight kind.** Anyway, what do you want?"

"I want to go home."

"What's stopping you?"

"The guards won't let me in!" Kurt tried to hold back the tears, but failed miserably.

"Oh come on, not the tears, I can't handle this." Puck whistled loudly and three fairies showed up.

"What's wrong?" said the beautiful fairy queen, Quinn.(yeah,that's right)

"You didn't tell me I would have to deal with this kind of shit."

"Language, Noah!"

"Whatever, just fix…it."

"What's wrong, child?"

"I want my daddy…" Kurt's attempt at stopping the tears failed.

"Oh, there there, no need to cry.." Quinn put her tiny hand on Kurt's shoulder. She turned to puck "what have you done to this poor boy?"

"I didn't do nothing, he was like this when I found him!"

"You are unbelievable! How do expect to raise our child if you can't even help a poor little prince?"

Kurt took a little break from crying, and he noticed Quinn's big belly.

"wait…I thought fairies were born from a baby's first laughter..?"

"Well…" Quinn mumbled for a second before admitting -" that's what we tell the children"

Kurt stared at her." I think I just heard my soul shatter"


End file.
